The Cup Of Silence


Ventilation
September 21, 2007, 9:41 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yesterday was my last day at Starbucks. Throughout the day, people asked me if I am excited to go to Sarajevo. For some reason, this has been a tough question for me to respond to. Maybe its because of the slew of emotions I am experiencing. I feel worn, like my well-read copy of Lord Of The Rings. Its been handled so many times, that the cover is creased and bent, testifying to the time devoted to it’s pages. I am worn out, because God has been dealing with me in difficult ways. Ways that are not natural to my personality. Or maybe He is changing me, transforming me. Its renewing, but equally tiring. I am blessed to experience it.

Maybe God is also helping me to not have any expectations. To expect something might also lead to disappointment. Disappointment is the last thing that this trip needs. I have a camera, I have a change of clothes, and I have people who are passionate about Sarajevo. I have the Architect of this vision of storytelling. I have my experiences of faithfulness, and selfishness alike. How will God use these? I want my expectations to be nothing more than “God using.”

I feel raw. Like the muscle of a cow, sitting on a kitchen counter, waiting to be seasoned and grilled. Maybe even like soft clay, ready to be molded by the Artist. As I look back, evaluating my life thus far, I call to mind all of the unfaithfulness that my life has shown to others. People who I have failed. People who didn’t even get a chance at my friendship. People who were judged harshly by me. Ill will given, curses like birthday presents.

monterrey.jpg

I see all of those spiritually epiphanic moments, where God was taking me to the next stage of growth, preparing me. I will never forget a certain moment in Monterrey, Mexico. It was a temperate summer evening, and I was standing in the middle of the soccer field, near the church where I was living. All around me, the mountains lit up from the lights of homes built on the steep grades. Those lights blended into stars, stretching across the night sky. There I was, alone, with Mexican music echoing across the valley where I stood. I remember trying to sing to God, expressing my love in any way I could. Right there, for the first time, God told me “be still.” ” Be still and know Me.” ” Know that My heart wants your life, not your words.”

At that moment, I recalled all of the previous moments where God had given me what I needed, rather than what I wanted. Now I can recall how God built upon that night at the soccer field. Its the pattern of God’s faithfulness completing what He started in me, over 25 years ago, long before I knew that there was a place called Mexico. Sarajevo is yet another layer, built upon this foundation of growth.

So yes, to answer the question. I am excited about Sarajevo. but I thank God that its not at all how I am excited to go to Six Flags, to ride roller coasters. Its a deeper level of anticipation. Anticipation that I am finding difficult to articulate. I guess a good way to say it would be that this trip is whats supposed to happen next. To know this means to know my purpose.

last night, my friend Sheena let me borrow Caedmon’s Call‘s album Share The Well. I hadn’t heard it before, so I played it While writing this post. There is a hidden track that I will call I Miss You. It made me think of Sarajevo. A place I miss, but have never visited. The Lyrics are

Six more airports till I see your face
I keep your picture in a passport, but its not the same
Still there’s joy in this silence
in my heart and in this place
in the hope of the longing that tears cannot erase
and I’m hoping that you’re sleeping ok

Cause I miss you.
I don’t think that the word “excitement” is adequate.

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10 Comments so far
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Beautifully articulated. People ask that question because they are excited for you. I remember my mom getting so irritated with that question when I was little and we were getting ready to take off on the next big adventure. She would always graciously say that yes, she was excited and then vent to my dad on the way home about what a dumb question that was. Of course she was excited. But also stressed out and scared beyond belief. And she was so sick of answering it.

I’m excited for you, anyway. May God bless your trip and the desires of your heart, Jason.

Comment by Leslie

It makes me laugh, thinking of Dianne getting asked that question. One would just have to open their eyes to see if she was excited. Thank you Leslie.

Comment by Jason

that answers my question of “are you excited?”

i appreciate your thoroughness, j.

Comment by goodmorningsarajevo

ps. love your custom image header. how much of a wordpess dork do i sound? its my fav. one thus far. from where and of what is it?

Comment by goodmorningsarajevo

Hey WordPress Dork, Its “Christ Carrying The Cross,” by “Bosh.” thats as much as I know. I like it because of all of the expression captured in the faces of the crowd.

Comment by Jason

Kenz, the style also reminds me of Ivan Vecenaj, a Croatian artist.

Comment by Jason

Jason, how much croatian do you know?

Comment by Lazo Von Vukovaren

Laci, I really don’t know any, except a few basic phrases, and some cuss words that were popular when my great great grandparents lived in Fuzine.

Comment by Jason

jason, i just watched your video. HA HA! that was the best laugh i think i’ve had in ages. thank you for that. you’re funny! i’ve been so inspired to go visit the parking lot of the world’s largest farmer’s market now. wow…

Comment by Lauren

Lauren, I love that you got a good laugh out of the “Mackumentery.” You and Jack are welcome at the universe’s largest farmer’s market any time.

Comment by Jason




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